From: The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce

Accordian:  An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
Back:  That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity. 
Backbite:  To speak of a man as your find him when he can't find you.
Beggar: One who has relied on the assistance of his friends.
Cabbage:  A familiar kitchen vegetable about as large and as wise as a man's head.
Clairvoyant:  A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron--namely that he is a blockhead.
Distance:  The only thing the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs and keep.
Court Fool:  The plaintiff.
Faith:  Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

Infidel:  In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.  A kind of scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to, divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mullahs, voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obea-men, abbes, nuns, missionaries, exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests, muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders, primates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prophets, imaums, beneficiaries, clerks, vicars-choral, rchbishops, bishops, abbots, priors, preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs, bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans, deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons, hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, talapoins, postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers, sextons, reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual curates, chaplins, mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas, sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens, cardinals, prioresses, suffragains, acolytes, rectors, cures, sophis, mutifs and pumpums.


Litigant:  A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.
Manna:  A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the wilderness.  When it was no longer supplied to them they settled down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies of the original occupants.
Misericorde:  A dagger which in medieval warfare was used by the foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal.
Misfortune:  The kind of fortune that never misses. 
Mulatto:  A child of two races, ashamed of both. 
Pedestrian:  The variable (and audible) part of the roadway for an automobile.
Pray:  To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Rebel:  A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish it.
Religion: A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
Selfish:  Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
Trichinosis:  The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy.